GBH Club Rules
"The Club Rules below have been agreed by the Society and are to be abided by on all GBH get togethers. It is the responsibility of The President, The Secretary and the Club Captain to make sure these rules are strictly enforced at all times"
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- Etiquette
- Courtesy on the Course
- Priority on the Course
- Care of the Course
- Specialist Rules
- Teeing Off
- The Bunker
- Putting
- Water Hazards
- Divots
“The GBH Rules of Golf”
ETIQUETTE
a) Courtesy on the Course
Safety
Prior to playing a stroke or making a practice swing, the player should ensure that people are standing close by or in a position to be hit by the club, the ball or any stones, pebbles, twigs or the like which may be moved by the stroke or swing. They will soon get the idea and move out of the way. If they argue with you - FIGHT THEM.
Consideration for other players
The player who has the honour should be allowed to play before his opponent or fellow-competitor tees his ball. Players should move, talk or stand close to or directly behind the ball or the hole when a player is addressing the ball or making a stroke. This will make the play concentrate harder and if he grumbles - FIGHT HIM
Players should play if the players in front are not out of range. (This will make them get a bloody move on.)
Pace of Play
In the interest of all, players should play without delay. If a player believes his ball may be lost outside a water hazard or out of bounds, to save time, he should play a provisional ball.
He can consider dropping the “Spare Ball” concealed in his pocket, as long as not seen to do it. If you are seen dropping the ‘spare ball’, play a TD (total denial) Card and argue your case. If they continue to argue - FIGHT THEM
Players searching for a ball should signal the players behind them to pass as soon as it becomes apparent that the ball will not easily be found. They should of course search for five minutes before doing so. They should continue play if the players following them have passed and are not out of range.
When the play of a hole as been completed, players should fanny about on the putting green.
If a match fails to keep its place on the course and loses more than one clear hole on the players in front, bloody speed up, but NEVER consider letting the match following to pass.
If a group of following players’ shots land close to you, you are more than allowed to:-
- Take out your wood, tee up the offending ball and slap it in any direction you wish
- Stamp it into the ground (optional covering with turf to hide it)
b) Priority on the Course
In the absence of special rules, two-ball matches should have precedence over and are entitled to pass any three-or four-ball match. Obviously if you do let any group of players through, you should harass them at all times and for the rest of the game. Harassment can involve:-
- Teeing off when still in range
- Fighting on the tree as they drive
- Talking very loudly about shagging their mum
A single player (Norman No Mates) has no standing and should give way to a match of any kind or go home. Any match playing a whole round is entitled to pass a match playing a shorter round.
c) Care of the Course
Holes in Bunkers
Before leaving a bunker, a player should carefully fill up and smooth over all holes and footprints made by them. The player should leave the rake in the middle of the bunker or in as inconvenient a place as possible (up a tree is always good).
Repair Divots, Ball-Marks and Damage by Spikes
A player should ensure that any divot hole made by them and any damage to the putting green made by a ball is carefully repaired. On completion of the hole by all players in the group, damage to the putting green caused by practice swings or chips, fighting or other such tom foolery should be repaired, even if it involves hiring a JCB to sort it out properly.
Damage to Greens — Flagsticks, Bags, etc.
Players should ensure that, when putting down bags or the flagstick, damage is done to the putting green Or that they or their caddies (fit birds with great cleavages who think every you shot you play is the best ever) cause damage to the hole by standing close to it, or in handling the flagstick or in removing the ball from the hole.
The flagstick should be replaced in a different place to the hole, to confuse the following players, before the players leave the putting green. Players should also remove the ball from the hole with their putter, to prove how lazy they really are.
Golf Carts
Local notices regulating the movement of golf carts should be strictly observed. Racing golf carts is indeed required at all times and shots are taken off any player’s card for the following:-
- The longest skid
- Rolling it
- Dougnutting it
- Causing the passenger to fall out
- Getting into the most impossible position (usually in the rough)
- Playing golf cart polo
Damage Through Practice Swings
In taking practice swings, players should avoid causing damage to the course, particularly the tees, by removing divots. However it is heartily encouraged for practice drives to be taken on the Practice Green with huge lumps of turf, known as ‘fat fanny’s’ being sent flying, with each practice swing.
SPECIALIST RULES
a) Teeing Off
If a player’s ball does not go past the ladies’ tee, the player should immediately turn to his fellow players, apologise for being ‘gay’ and proceed to take his manhood from his trousers and play the rest of the hole, with said manhood having a look at the outside world.
If any player uses an iron off a tee for any hole with a par of 3 or less, he shall then be called ‘faggot, Jessy, fudge-packer’ or any other derogatory term of the fellow player’s choice, for being weak.
Fighting on the tee is heartily encouraged, especially if the tee is elevated and can be seen by the rest of the course.
b) The Bunker
If a player’s ball lands in a bunker, and that player does not get the ball out of the bunker with their next shot, then they will proceed to immediately lower their trousers.
Once their trousers are around their ankles, they will proceed to attempt to take the short and get the ball out of the bunker again. If the ball should still not land outside the bunker, the player will immediately proceed to lower his underpants.
Once the underpants are around your ankles, the player will proceed to attempt to extract the ball from the bunker, once again. If the said ball should still not arrive outside the bunker, the player will continue attempting to get the ball out of the bunker until they succeed.
The player will play the whole of the next hole with their manhood out (for being so shite).
c) Putting
Players should watch any opponent’s putt closely, especially if by watching the line of the putt it might help your proceeding putt. Putting the opponent off by coughing, sneezing or any other minor annoyance is allowed, especially if it result in a fight.
If any player should putt the ball off the green, they shall be immediately called ‘wanker’ by all the fellow players. Shouting of the term ‘wanker’ is heartily encouraged.
Whooping and cheering for all putts, even ‘gimmies’, with huge ‘high 5’s’ are heartily encouraged as they bring annoyance and encouragement to the relevant players.
d) Water Hazards
Any player who places their ball in the water, what is known as a ‘wet shot’, will then politely ask each fellow player what they would like to drink. The player will make a note of their replies and proceed to buy the drinks, immediately on the conclusion of the round.
e) Divot’s
Any player who hits a shot, whereby the divot produced, goes further than the ball (what is referred to as a ‘fat fanny’ or a ‘hack’) will recount the story and explain why they are such an ‘unco-ordinated twat’ at the bar immediately after the conclusion of the round.